Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
