i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
