She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
