My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
