My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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