Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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