I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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