I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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