I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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