i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
