Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
