just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Who put my cat in the fridge?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
