hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
