i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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