two words: eviction party
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
