On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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