I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
