I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
