I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
No subtext here. People are naked.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
