What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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