I feel like I'm in dance class right now
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
