i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
