i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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