its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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