I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
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I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
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I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno