well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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