Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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