What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
