Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
