i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
