I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
