I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
