Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
