Soap is not a condiment
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
