He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
