You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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