YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
