i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
