I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just googled if crying burns calories
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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