I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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