Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
