How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
