Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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