oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
