I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
