my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
