My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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