Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
