I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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