no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
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I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
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I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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