Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
never play flip cup with pint glasses
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
