She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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