bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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