why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
