I think I won the penis lottery.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
