Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
