Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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