Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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