One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
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She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
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He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.