Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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