I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
